Saturday, May 30, 2015

Life Limbo

I have never been a fan of the game of limbo.  For starters, I have never been great with flexibility.  The V-sit stretch in PE was my nemesis (okay, I'll be honest.  PE was my nemesis).  The only backbend I could ever do was the cheater when you started out on the ground and lifted your torso.  I'm just not a flexible person.
Second, it consistently gets harder.  Ya know, it starts out all simple and  kinda fun, heading into something that you're pretty sure you can do fairly easily...and then with each level the bar gets lowered, the intensity grows exponentially.  You know for each person how sudden that one round goes--at one point, it's a little tight but still very doable; and then the very next round, you're out.
Third, when you're out, you either have to duck and dodge, or you have to fall...and both of those options are a low to no on the fun scale.

Anyone sensing that this is going to turn metaphorical in 3...2...1...?

Our life has been a game of limbo the past 12-18 months, and I am so incredibly over it.  It is even less fun when it's your life that is in the constant guessing phase, especially when that inflexibility tends to rear its head in my heart as well as my limbs.

Basically, we've been told for years now that we'll be moving soon.  The job and the location and the time frame have changed so many times, I've lost count.  We are kept very much in the dark about their plans for him and everything can change at whoever's whim that belongs to (I don't even know who it is that makes these decisions..."the man").

I very much feel like a pawn in someone else's game, not allowed to know what the next move is but forced to take it whenever "they" (again, whoever that is) see fit.

We're at the point in this limbo game, that I really do feel like it's the last round.  Bending and bending and bending so much that it hurts.  And although I'm ready to duck and dodge, I have a feeling it's going to be more like a fall.  Or who knows...maybe that flexibility will kick in when I need it most.

This year and a half of turnarounds has made me a stronger person in a lot of ways.  I've been forced to become more independent; to find strength I didn't know I had; and strangely, I've become a better housewife.  But on the other hand, it has completely drained me.  Hunter and I don't even get to talk much anymore; I do most of the parenting experiences alone...I do a lot of stuff alone actually (always in the company of my 3 yr and 7 mo old however); I'm constantly spent.  <---  and all of those things only amplify how much I hate life limbo.

I'm really trying to lean into this as a lesson my God is teaching me about letting go of control.  About learning to listen for his guidance instead of making my own plans.  About embracing opportunity and not getting in the way of something great.  I've been reading 7 and Interrupted and Barefoot Church and they are wrecking all the best ways possible {thank you, Hatmakers,
for messing up my mind!  no seriously, thanks}.  And I'm trying to look at my life through those lenses of actually leaning into God and trusting where we are taken.  But at the same time, I feel so unsettled right now...just not right, like something is just off and I can't identify exactly what it is.

This post really wasn't meant to inspire pity, but instead to let myself vent and process a bit.  As my best friend put so well tonight, "I have a schizophrenic heart"...and that, dear people, will wear you plum out.

So we have no idea where we're going, when we're going, or what we're doing...but that's pretty much life in a nutshell anyway, huh?  This causes a lot of emotions to flood through me--anger, fear, exhaustion, uncertainty, anxiety...most prevalent tonight is some anger because I'm so over the changes.  Wrapping my head around major change is not something that's easy for me.  Little stuff, no sweat, I can roll with the punches and normally pretty laid back.  The big stuff, I need a lot of warning, a lot of process time, and usually a lot of tears.  So when I mentally prepare myself for something only for it to be shot down and changed, that just sucks and takes a big toll on me.  And it's happened a lot lately...

Hopefully this is just a season.  The lessons learned best are the ones that come through struggle.  So whatever we are being taught here should surely stick.  I still have a husband who cares so deeply for me and two absolutely beautiful children.  So come what may... (I really don't feel that way, but I'm trying, dad gum it!)

love, angie

No comments:

Post a Comment