Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Oh wheeeerrrre, is my patience?

This pregnancy has really not been bad so far as far as how I feel (and I praise Jesus for that every single day).  I'm tired, as very much expected, but even still, I don't feel completely unable to function like I did when I was pregnant with Arabella. To be honest, this go round, I just don't have the option to feel that way.

I mean, really.  Most days, this is how I feel.

Or if we want to be real honest, this is more like it.

But one thing that has been affected patience.

It's pretty much gone.

I lose my temper very quickly (at least for me, it's very quickly); I feel annoyed and aggravated with something almost all the time; my precious two year old who holds my heart drives me batty much more easily, and that makes me sad.  I'm just not me.

and since we're being honest and all...this is probably the root of my patience vamoosing.  "settled reality"...  "not in control"...  tough stuff.  (but I'm still letting you know that this little critter in me flipped the switch)

I'm also sure that the unbelievable amount of things I've had going on lately haven't helped much...  Three jobs...all of which I enjoy (for the most part, most of the time), but they wear me out nonetheless.  Having to find childcare for Bella every week--even just one day, since it's not consistent, it's tiring and I feel like I'm imposing on others.  LTC and all of the practices and preparation that went into that.  Easter plans that changed last minute leaving us all three in separate places and me driving a lot to get where we needed to be.  A wedding shower for my brother in law that has taken up a lot of my past two months and ALL of my last week.  Making 100 snicker doodles (from good) and 15+ dozen sugar cookies (from good) for the two previous weekends.  The emotion and drain that came with losing a student.  Pretty much being a single parent since Hunter is on this turnaround.  The constant state of disarray that my house seems to alway be in--there are piles everywhere, particularly in the sink and the laundry baskets...and every square inch of floor (seriously, I have suitcases that are still only half unpacked from trips all the way back in January through now...because we are gone allllll the time).  Hosting and planning a youth rally in August.   And it just goes on and on and on...

I mean, really.  But other times, it's great.  But a lot of times, dumb.

I've officially entered the 2nd trimester, so hopefully my energy and motivation levels will come up some soon.  And hopefully I can learn soon how not to be involved in everything that beckons my attention.  Because I'm not just tired...I'm getting weary.  And emotional, and frustrated, and overwhelmed.

desperately trying to remember this truth and to remember who I am...

May should be much calmer than April...but it's only the calm before the storm of June.  And then things should calm down almost completely after the youth rally on August 2 (they have to...)  At least until October when this little wee tot makes its debut.  So really, I guess it never does really slow down does it?

I just needed to vent and writing is an easy way for me to do that.  So thanks for lending me your ears/eyes as I figure things out.

Next week I am forcing myself to sit down and work on Bella's 2 year Shutterfly book.  That'll keep me sitting and reminiscing and having fun while working for a good little while.  Plus it's birthday week, so it's bound to be great, right?!

love, angie

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