(obviously this was written a while back...however, I wasn't ready to share until now)
It made me giggle to think about. I started "feeling" like I was last week--random bouts of nausea, tight pants, random tiredness, etc. But after the last year and a half, my hope was terrified to surface. The part that made me giggle inside though was the deja vu... Three years ago (Febraury 20, 2011), I found out I was pregnant with Arabella. It was President's Day, which of course is a Monday. We were supposed to be out of school but were having to makeup a weather day (for snow) on that day. Fast forward three years to today...Monday, President's Day, on which they were supposed to be off of school but are instead making it up from a weather (snow) day. Haha--just craziness! And proof that God of mine likes a good giggle too :)
Last night at church, our preacher delivered a lesson on "El Roi", the God who sees (he's going through a series on the names of God and it is really beautiful). He used the story of Abram, Sarai, Hagar, and Ishmael, as this is the name Hagar calls when she realizes God sees her. The point that struck me though is the side note he made about Ishmael. He said we still produce Ishmaels today; for they are the product of not waiting on the Lord...for rushing our timeline instead of trusting in the beauty of the gifts we receive when we wait on Him. I had been doing just that. For any woman who has yearned desperately for a child, you understand--it consumes you. I had been trying to rush what I wanted when I wanted it. I needed to wait on the Lord. My heart stirred at those words.
I also read 1,000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp a few months ago, and her in depth look at eucharisteo sent chills and then warmth all the way to my core. I had not been thankful; I had not recognized the gifts of the moment because I was too focused on the future I wanted. When I began thanking God for the extra months with Arabella, for the discussions and intimacy the waiting brought my marriage, for my growing prayer life and changing heart, for the better understanding of infertility and the heartache that so many women experience...that's when my heart began to change. Realizing the gifts I was being given--even though they hurt--was such a beautiful transformation for me.
So here I sit, writing the story that for a while, I never thought I would be able to. And I am blessedly reminded and assured that I worship and love El Roi, the God who sees. The God who sees me, in my desperation and heartache; the God who saw that and drew my heart closer to Him.
Little one, you are so loved. You have been prayed for and over for a very long time by quite a few people. My heart is full and soon my precious tummy will be as well. Grow strong, little blessed gift.