O, death, where is your sting?

Last Friday, I sat through the funeral service of a great man.  My husband's grandfather had fought a long battle with COPD and congestive heart failure, and his body was tired.  The previous two weeks, we had all been together for most of it, caring for him and loving on him and each other.  Those three weeks combined were and are a bit of a blur, but still very specific details stand out with such clarity.

Hunter and I started dating just shy of 13 years ago, and I have been through so much with his family.  Since we were so young, our families actually helped raise each other as well.  His grandparents have loved me so well since the very beginning.  They offer wisdom, work ethic, perseverance, stability, and loyalty--all doused in a load of humor.  Just really good people.

If this wasn't known already, it became very clear in the past few weeks.  Their five grandsons rose to the hard task of taking care of him in his last days; helping him be comfortable, moving him, talking with him, and being his strength as his dwindled.  It was also very clear as these five grandsons stood and bravely honored their PawPaw last week at his funeral service.  Each of them spoke of what he had taught them, what memories he had created with them, what he had provided for this family.  His reach on each of them was undeniable.  They also served as his pall bearers, carrying his body to its final resting place.  Nothing made PawPaw more happy or more proud than those boys.

A few moments from the service really stood out to me, aside from the boys' talks.
     --Kaplan loves to give fives, and it was always a way that he would interact with PawPaw (even with his oxygen on or in the hospital bed or if we hadn't seen him in a while...fives were always a sure fire connection).  Hunter was carrying him around at the funeral home that morning and he was dishing out the fives.  When they walked up to the casket, he still reached down and gave PawPaw a five.
     --my sister-in-law and I spent a lot of those weeks going through unbelievable amounts of pictures; I made a Shutterfly book and she made a video memorial for the service.  Seeing those pictures and the life in them was just amazing.  (Men--quit fussing about taking pictures!  Future generations will love them.)
     --If PawPaw got dressed up, he wore a blue suit; he was also buried in a blue suit.  So all the boys went out and bought blue blazers to wear to the service for him.  They looked so nice and I know PawPaw would have loved it.

PawPaw's boy dogs

 
     --We had congregational singing for the service and sang some of his and Grandmaw's favorites.  That big booming bass line on the front row (the grandsons) was enough to give me grins and goosebumps.
     --Because PawPaw was a Marine, they were present for the graveside service.  One played Taps, and two others folded and presented the flag to Grandmaw.  Such an honor and tribute.

     --When the pall bearers laid their boutonnieres on the casket, Hunter took Kaplan's off and handed it to him.  Seeing his tiny little hand place that small flower on PawPaw's casket was almost more than I could handle.

It was a hard day.  But it was a beautiful day.  Dignified and honorable, with just enough humor to feel like PawPaw.

Have you ever stood beside someone as they die--particularly someone who is losing a long battle?  I have, a few times now.  While it may sound a bit morbid or creepy to some, there is actually a strange peace that overtakes the moment.  There are tears, yes, and great, deep sadness.  But underlying all of that is a very present peace.  Their pain has stopped, their battle is done, the wait has ended.  Peace.

And do you know the reason I have felt that peace?  Because of death.

This Friday that we celebrate as "Good Friday" was actually so very terrible in it's happening.  It was cruel and bloody and loud and violent.  The only innocent being to walk this earth was nailed to a tree in absolute hate.  He gave his life's blood...for you and for me.  What an incredible gift.

You know how a lot of people will pick a word to focus on through the year?  Unfortunately, so far this year, death has chosen to be our word (believe me, it is not what I would ever choose).   Starting in December, we've had so many deaths...and most of them have been tragic.  It has been such a tough year--and it's only March...

But even amidst all of that pain and heartbreak and loss, an undeniable peace has been present for me.  Because of that tragic yet beautiful death so many years ago that we commemorate today, "Good Friday".

So how does death bring peace and why is today good?

Because three days later, he ROSE! 
Because that death defeated all death.  Because that death provides life eternal.  Because that death paved the way for creation's restoration.  Because that death allows all things to be made new.

Because sometimes in the darkest places, Christ's beautiful grace shines brightest.

So today is good.  And every day is good.  Because we serve a risen Redeemer.  O, death, where is your sting?

I pray you find comfort through your brokenness and hope in the Story.

xoxo, angie

one hand and the other.

Writing is my outlet.  Sometimes I don't even know what the words of my heart are until I sit and write them down.  This blog allows me to have that outlet when I need it...and tonight, I need it.

This year has been a bit bi-polar for me.

On one hand, it has been a beautiful adventure through new theology, ideology, and lenses; a new and fresh and bold grasp of Kingdom and Gospel and Church and Jesus; a constant hunger and excitement and need to ask more questions, read more information, and dive deeper.  It truly has been amazing.

On that same hand, I've jumped head first into the world of parenting two children.   Some things haven't changed very much at all and others are so very different...some of the difference are because there's two of them; some of them are because of their genders; some of them are because I also was parenting a threenager through this time.  So much of the adventure with these two tiny humans has been so incredibly amazing and fun.

And yet on that same hand still, I've gotten to travel quite a bit.  Small trips to familiar places mixed in with new cities and a few flights, all filled with some pretty cool memories.

However, that other cruel hand threw in some punches.

I try so very hard to keep my happy up, but this whole year it has been so very hard.  It's so hard to complain when I really have nothing major to complain about.  People receive devastating news, lose people they love, attempt to mend shattered families or accept the changes...really tough stuff every single minute of every single day.  As a speaker once said, "sometimes Satan launches flaming arrows, while others are tiny pebbles..."  I currently have no flaming arrows, and for that I am deeply grateful.  But the pebbles have piled high.

These past two months with Hunter in a new job has been...trying at best.  Without a doubt the hardest couple of years of marriage for us (you know since we've been married soooo long), but learning how to handle each other and how to function these past two months takes the cake.

This is also the loneliest I've ever felt in my entire life (which is irony of ironies since I pretty much am never alone--yay for mothering littles).  It makes me want to hermit up even more than I have the tendency to do already which in turn leads to cabin fever (remember the littles) that makes me want to scream as loud as I can.  I feel used up and useless all at the same time, like I am constantly doing but can never do enough.  I feel disliked, excluded, and unimportant often.  I feel incredibly numb and yet extremely raw, as if the two could coexist.  And I cry.  a lot.

And yet I cannot list to you what has led me to this state.  The pebbles have just piled high.  And the weight has found me.  I just don't have the energy or the umph to fake it or push my way or sometimes even be nice.

You'll notice that most of those in the list are feelings.  I know I am too emotional and a little crazy and all up in the feels.  I desperately wish I had the ability like some people do (i.e. my husband) to just roll things off my shoulders or not be hurt or not feel everything. But with this, I have had no luck.

Sometimes life is just so mean.  And exhausting.  And so very hard.

Thankful this day for pajamas, comfort food, and God's never-ending grace.

"...my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%..."

Dear Arabella,

You, precious little sweet, are FOUR years old!

This year has been so much fun because you have been learning so much.  You have full conversations, your imagination is unbelievable, you reason through problems, you make and understand jokes, you ask questions, and have to know how everything works.  It's truly been amazing to watch you develop!

However, this year also brought on the phase we deemed the "threenager"... Because you also learned to argue, to assert independence and your own opinion, to be stubborn, to have major melt downs and mood swings.  In other words, you acted like a teenager in a three year old body!  And oh, the level of interest that brought to this family dynamic.

Arabella, in the middle of all of that, you are still just as cute as they come.  Not a single day goes by without your daddy and I telling you at least one how unbelievably beautiful you are.  We just sit and stare often.

You are also so, so sweet.  You want to share what you have with everyone you meet.  If someone is upset, you want to make them smile.  You give hugs and kisses just because you want to.  You just love people so well.

Music is still one of your absolute favorites.  You've learned the words and can carry the tunes to so many songs, and will do your best to sing along even if you don't know it.  I just love hearing you sing in that sweet, high-pitched voice.  

My favorite though is to hear you sing "Jesus songs" along with the radio.  Your precious voice sings "Hosanna" and "There is Power in the Name of Jesus" and "10,000 Reasons"...But your favorite (and you know all the words!) is "Fix My Eyes"!  We love to turn it up loud in the car and dance and sing it together!  Instant mood lifter.  Your prayers have also developed into well thought out dialogue based on what's actually going on in your own life--you always end with "make good choices" :)

You are such a good big sister to Kaplan!  Granted you drag him around and take his toys, but that's what older siblings are for.  You also make him laugh and feed him and take care of him.  You two love to snuggle and wrestle and play.  You both have absolute joy all over your faces when you see each other!  You're favorite nickname for him is Kap and your name was his first word :)

Daddy's little helper is an understatement.  He's had to work a lot this year, so your time with him has been extra special.  Going fishing and riding in the Bronco are your absolute favorite!  But you'll do just about anything as long as it's with him. 

We have gotten to travel quite a bit this year and make so many memories.  A few trips to Branson and Aunt Chelle's, two Major League baseball games, a huge pumpkin patch in Houston, several trips to Pineville with the Sassers, multiple zoos, and Lafayette for Disney on Ice just to name a few.  You're not scared to try new things, go new places, or spend time away from mom and dad.  Just so big.

You are a tad obsessed with costumes, my princess.  Usually when you come out of your room in the mornings, you're already dressed up!  Your favorites are Anna and Elsa, but you also love Sofia, Doc McStuffins, and Cinderella.

Arabella, you are quite possibly the most grateful child I have ever met.  When you receive any gift, big or small, you are genuinely grateful.  You say thank you over and over, give a super sweet hug, and sincerely appreciate the kindness.  It's overwhelming and humbling.  I pray you never lose that gift...true gratitude is the key to true joy.  

You're learning how to write all of your letters and spell words and names.  You're doing a great job and I still get so impressed each and every time you write something.  Watching your little brain grow is just incredible!

I am so excited to see how much more you grow and learn and change this next year.  Our relationship is so special to me, and I can only pray that I treat you with grace each day.  Your daddy and I are whole-heartedly obsessed with who you are and always will be.  Keep enjoying life and finding giggles every single day.  Arabella, you are my treasured gift, and I promise that I will always love you more than you will ever know.

Happy birthday, my love!

xoxo, mama

Dear Kaplan,

My precious little hunky chunk--you are ONE year old!  I cannot believe a whole year has passed since you rounded out our little family.

You were 9 pounds and 13 ounces of pure perfection (my doctor didn't believe me when I told him you were going to be a biggun...mama knows best).  We were all three instantly in love with you.

You are so laid back and easy going.  You've always been a good sleeper (hallelujah!) and you really only get upset when you're hungry.  It took us a long time to get you to laugh out loud, because like your daddy and your Papa, you have a pretty serious looking "happy face".

My little Kaplan, you are such a snuggle bug.  You love to be loved on and will snuggle in for a hug in the sweetest little way--you usually do this when I get you out of your bed and when I'm about to put you in your carseat (you know it's harder for me to put you down in that seat when you're loving on me!)

You have been a pretty big mama's boy since day one.  Daddy was working so much for the first half of this year that it took you two a while to warm up to each other.  But here in these last couple of months, you have become big time buds.  Not to mention, you are such a mini-me of your daddy.  You look exactly like him and share SO many of his personality traits.  There has not been a single day go by that at least one person hasn't told me how much you look like your daddy or refers to you as "mini-Hunter".  

And that sister of yours...you have loved each other every single second.

Speaking of Arabella, you are such a trooper.  She tends to think of you as her favorite toy, dragging you around the house, dressing you up in all kinds of accessories, taking things away from you, laying on top of you...putting you through the ringer!  You will fuss when you've had enough, but for the most part you just go with the flow and let her do her thing.  Your eyes light up when you see her, especially first thing in the morning.  Makes my mama heart melt.

As of now, you have 9 teeth and humongous gums with some more on the way.  You are trying to toddle about (taking about 7-10 steps at a time); but you are such a quick crawler and you know that's still your fastest method of transportation, so it usually wins out.  You can say Bella, mama, dad, wa-wa-wa (Juannie), look, hi/hey, and you shake your head no.  And you've already had your first real haircut--not just a trim--because that beautiful hair you were born with got too long!  You've also already been to six states and flown on a plane, you little traveler, you.

Our favorite nickname for you is "Flappin' Kaplan" because you flap your arms like a wild man all the time.  It makes us laugh every single time!  You also kick your right leg over and over, especially when you're excited.

You love singing (in church, when Juannie hits the high notes, you can't get over to her fast enough!) and will try to join in.  You love to read books and are mesmerized by all the pictures.  You love Bible class and are starting to participate and soak it all in.  You love being outside and crawling around in the grass and swinging.  If Bella or daddy goes outside without you, you pull the curtain on the back door aside and just watch and jabber until they come back in.  And most of all, you love to eat.  Your best friend is whoever has the food :)

You have mastered the game of peek a boo, from leaning around furniture or someone's shoulder to covering up with a blanket to popping up and down behind a church pew.  So fun!  And while we're talking about church pews...you are such the little escape artist!  You crawl under the pews and through people's legs before we can even realize you're going.  We've had to snatch you up halfway down the aisle several times...

Kaplan, your laugh is very contagious.  It took us so long to get a real one...we cherish them so much!  Your first belly laugh at something instead of from being tickled was of course at Arabella.  I love how much you make each other laugh.

You are so incredibly curious.   You have no fear and explore any new place.  You climb and dig, open every cabinet you can reach, put every thing you touch in your mouth...I can't let you out of sight because I guarantee you're getting into something!  I am constantly digging things out of your mouth.  Keeps us on our toes.  But goodness, you're cute.

Kaplan Paul, you have added a whole 'nother level of love to our family.  It is so much fun to see little pieces of who we are come out in you.   You are just such a cool kid.  I hope you never lose your pleasant, laid back way of handling life.  

Your daddy and I will fight for you, protect you, teach you, and love you every single day of our lives.  You will always be our precious, perfect son; our second baby; our beautiful, blessed gift.

From here...

...to a year

Happy birthday, sweet boy!  I love you more than you will ever know.

xoxo, mama