Dear Kaplan,

My precious little hunky chunk--you are ONE year old!  I cannot believe a whole year has passed since you rounded out our little family.

You were 9 pounds and 13 ounces of pure perfection (my doctor didn't believe me when I told him you were going to be a biggun...mama knows best).  We were all three instantly in love with you.

You are so laid back and easy going.  You've always been a good sleeper (hallelujah!) and you really only get upset when you're hungry.  It took us a long time to get you to laugh out loud, because like your daddy and your Papa, you have a pretty serious looking "happy face".

My little Kaplan, you are such a snuggle bug.  You love to be loved on and will snuggle in for a hug in the sweetest little way--you usually do this when I get you out of your bed and when I'm about to put you in your carseat (you know it's harder for me to put you down in that seat when you're loving on me!)

You have been a pretty big mama's boy since day one.  Daddy was working so much for the first half of this year that it took you two a while to warm up to each other.  But here in these last couple of months, you have become big time buds.  Not to mention, you are such a mini-me of your daddy.  You look exactly like him and share SO many of his personality traits.  There has not been a single day go by that at least one person hasn't told me how much you look like your daddy or refers to you as "mini-Hunter".  

And that sister of yours...you have loved each other every single second.

Speaking of Arabella, you are such a trooper.  She tends to think of you as her favorite toy, dragging you around the house, dressing you up in all kinds of accessories, taking things away from you, laying on top of you...putting you through the ringer!  You will fuss when you've had enough, but for the most part you just go with the flow and let her do her thing.  Your eyes light up when you see her, especially first thing in the morning.  Makes my mama heart melt.

As of now, you have 9 teeth and humongous gums with some more on the way.  You are trying to toddle about (taking about 7-10 steps at a time); but you are such a quick crawler and you know that's still your fastest method of transportation, so it usually wins out.  You can say Bella, mama, dad, wa-wa-wa (Juannie), look, hi/hey, and you shake your head no.  And you've already had your first real haircut--not just a trim--because that beautiful hair you were born with got too long!  You've also already been to six states and flown on a plane, you little traveler, you.

Our favorite nickname for you is "Flappin' Kaplan" because you flap your arms like a wild man all the time.  It makes us laugh every single time!  You also kick your right leg over and over, especially when you're excited.

You love singing (in church, when Juannie hits the high notes, you can't get over to her fast enough!) and will try to join in.  You love to read books and are mesmerized by all the pictures.  You love Bible class and are starting to participate and soak it all in.  You love being outside and crawling around in the grass and swinging.  If Bella or daddy goes outside without you, you pull the curtain on the back door aside and just watch and jabber until they come back in.  And most of all, you love to eat.  Your best friend is whoever has the food :)

You have mastered the game of peek a boo, from leaning around furniture or someone's shoulder to covering up with a blanket to popping up and down behind a church pew.  So fun!  And while we're talking about church pews...you are such the little escape artist!  You crawl under the pews and through people's legs before we can even realize you're going.  We've had to snatch you up halfway down the aisle several times...

Kaplan, your laugh is very contagious.  It took us so long to get a real one...we cherish them so much!  Your first belly laugh at something instead of from being tickled was of course at Arabella.  I love how much you make each other laugh.

You are so incredibly curious.   You have no fear and explore any new place.  You climb and dig, open every cabinet you can reach, put every thing you touch in your mouth...I can't let you out of sight because I guarantee you're getting into something!  I am constantly digging things out of your mouth.  Keeps us on our toes.  But goodness, you're cute.

Kaplan Paul, you have added a whole 'nother level of love to our family.  It is so much fun to see little pieces of who we are come out in you.   You are just such a cool kid.  I hope you never lose your pleasant, laid back way of handling life.  

Your daddy and I will fight for you, protect you, teach you, and love you every single day of our lives.  You will always be our precious, perfect son; our second baby; our beautiful, blessed gift.

From here...

...to a year

Happy birthday, sweet boy!  I love you more than you will ever know.

xoxo, mama

miss the mess

I just had one of those insane realizations of how quickly time passes as I went in to spy on my sleeping babes.  They are so long when they're still, and it hit me full force tonight how big they have gotten. And plus, oh my stars, there is nothing more beautifully precious than a sleeping child. All the feels are workin tonight. 

A dear friend and I were visiting at lunch yesterday, and I was lamenting about keeping my house clean, specifically the floors. And with a kid who puts every single thing into his mouth, the floors is the thing that needs to be cleaned the most!  Anywho, this precious friend of mine just moved her youngest into the dorms a few weeks ago and has been living the empty nest for a while. Her very quick response to my grief (ok I was whining. Let's call a spade a spade.) was this...ya know, my house stays clean now, but oh how I miss the mess. And the reason for the mess. 

I appreciated her words that afternoon, but tonight they were actually heard in my heart. 

So my floors will stay filthy. And my car and my living room and my life will stay crowded with toys. And I will have silly dance parties and read the same book repeatedly and watch all the cartoons.  I will let her help me cook and I will let him give me slobbery kisses. I won't stress when they spill or take all of the toys out of the bins or splash water out of the tub. 

Because sooner than I can imagine, I'll be moving those sleeping souls into their own dorm rooms...and I'm going to miss the mess. 

xoxo, angie 

Life-isms

Many, many thoughts go through my head every minute, and I plan for so many of them to make their way to this lovely blog-land.  But lo and behold, that has not been happening.  So here are some snippets of life here as of late...

1.  I wore some grey linen pants yesterday and they just felt funny.  Something didn't fit right, but I couldn't tell what was different about them from my other linen pants I wear pretty often.  Until I took them off last night and saw "maternity" on the tag.  That'll do it.

2.  I'm going to the Air1 Positive Hits concert next Sunday night, and I'm pretty pumped!  Our group will be comprised of an 18, 19, 20, 21, and 28 year old.  I cannot guarantee that I will not pretend to be 22.  Or 17. I mean that kind of pattern just needs to be continued.  No need to be an outlier.

3. I just did a cartwheel for the first time in probably 12 years.  I was strangely terrified, but I nailed it.   And impressed my 30 year old and 3 year old.  Boom.

4.  We're starting the book club next Tuesday on Jen Hatmaker's newest book For the Love.  I read it in just a few days as soon as I got it, and I am so looking forward to giggling and learning life together with my girls in the comfort of my pjs.  And Jen is my BFF (even though she isn't completely aware of that and we've only met briefly)...so spending four weeks with her (one night a week via live streaming, but who needs specifics) is making my heart flutter.

--if you live near me and want to join in on this, please let me know!  You are so very welcomed to join us...laid back and simply good--

5.  My wee babe is teething mega bad.  He's cranky--mind you, his version of cranky is still more pleasant than a lot of babies' norm, so I'll take it no problem--and his poor gums are so freakin' swollen.  Four molars at the same time.  Bless his beautiful heart.

6.  Hunter slept in Bella's room Friday night (so they both went to bed at 9:30) and then they went out on the boat all day long Saturday.  What did I decide was the best way to spend all of this "free" time?  Watch approximately (or exactly) 14 episodes of Grey's Anatomy.  And 4 more today.  Lovely.

7.  I finally got a meal plan done again and I feel so incredibly accomplished.  We are eating good home-cookin' for the next three weeks for sure, and the brain power that goes into deciding what to cook was spent ahead of time.  What a glorious tone that sets for my evening!

8.  The amount of times I have to say "no" during the day in some form or fashion is just enough to make my eyes twitch.
"No sir, don't open the entertainment center cabinets."
"Bella, do not drag your brother across the floor."
"Kaplan, do not put _________ in your mouth."  (inserts electrical cord, grass, old food, dog food, etc...because he puts everything in his mouth.)
"No you may not have candy for breakfast."
"No sir. Don't bite."
"Bella, quit laying on your brother."
and it goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on............

9.  I have been in a major purging mood since we found out we will be in this house for a few more years.  And now that I have time to do it, things are leaving this house left and right.  And we're rearranging to make it feel fresh and more workable for us. Absolutely love it.

10.  I've been completely fine without cable for the past three months.  But now my shows are all about to start back up and I'm getting the twitters...(Grey's Anatomy, The Blacklist, Fixer Upper, Dancing With the Stars).  Not to mention football season.  Oy.  Deep breaths.

11.  We were able to go to Austin and Kemah and Branson and Kansas City (twice) and St. Louis within a month's time.  Such a blast to travel to so many places with all different combinations of people and make memories like nobody's business.  But also so good to have some down time at home these next few weeks.

12.  The "threenager" phase is about to be the death of someone in this family.  The arguing and whining and melting down and sassing and crying and shouting and fighting and deliberately disobeying (definitely feel like Mufasa every time I bust out that line) is just enough to drive me to the brink of insanity.  And then she smiles.  Or snuggles in sweet.  Or kisses me without being asked. Or tells me she loves me.  And I melt.  Thank God for those moments.  And for wine.

To quote Glennon, because I love this term so much..."life is brutiful."

xoxo, angie

LYFT

I just got back from a week long trip taking our kids to Encounter, a church camp at Lubbock Christian University.   And oh how it changed us.

I got a lot of questions and side eyes and disbelief at the fact that I was leaving my kids that long.  I'll be the first to admit--it was a crazy long time.  I dropped them off on a Saturday afternoon and didn't get the back until the next Sunday afternoon...8 nights, 9 days.

But I will also be the first to tell you that it was completely worth it.  I love my babies with every ounce of my being and I missed them terribly.  But my role as mama is not the only one my life fills, and it is not always the one that can receive all of me.  Youth ministry reached into my heart and latched on tight--and doing Kingdom work alongside these people is another role that receives pretty high priority.

I am so grateful for our parents' willingness and ability to keep our kids while I was away.  Knowing I did not have to worry about my flesh and blood kiddos allowed me to be there completely and fully for my blood bought kiddos all week.  And I don't have a single trace of doubt that I was where I should have been.

This camp is an intense one.  There is so much material covered between 15 interactive classes and 6 keynote lessons.  Plus, we have the privilege of studying with two doctoral theologians and ambassadors for whom I have the utmost admiration and respect (thank you, thank you, thank you).

There's a lot of chance for youth group time and one on one discussion/counseling/mentoring.  This was my third year to be able to take our group, and each year has been so different, but equally beautiful and filled to the brim with growth.

"Lyft" (picture the Y in that spelling as a person with their hands outstretched) was the theme this year, taken from Psalm 121:1-2, "I lift us my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heaven and Earth."  The week centered around lifting our eyes and ourselves to our God, even in the middle of pain and brokenness and loneliness and fear...not that those things will not happen to us, nor will they go away, but that our God is bigger than all of that.  And lifting to Him brings a peace that allows us to deal with our circumstances; it brings a willingness that allows us to see and love people; it brings a complete understanding and reminder that our life's focus should not be ourselves.

We brought 7 kids with us this year.  Some of them don't have much going on right now.  Some of them are yet to have anything major happen.  And some of them are in the middle of walking through some really tough stuff.  This week opened hearts, healed broken ones, released emotions, and forged relationships...

I was able to catch the tears of several of my kids, my heart breaking with theirs.
I was able to give guidance in some ways, and simply offer a gentle presence in others.  

I was able to pray directly over each of them.  

I was able to laugh and share jokes and be silly and make memories.  

I was able to still "be mama" and take care of them when they got sick.

I was able to experience Eucharisteo with each of them, giving thanks in the presence of our risen Jesus through the breaking of bread.

I was able to learn and study and have questions of my own answered.

I was able to worship unabashedly and fully present.

I was able to stand in the gap for my kids and their families.

I was able to spend the week with my best friend, growing in Spirit.

I was able to get to know them deeper and strengthen bonds.

I was able to listen.
I was able to see.

I was able to feel and experience the movement of the Holy Spirit.

I was able to lift my eyes, my heart, my hands, my prayers, my attention, my focus, my life...

I was able to love on these kids (they'll never really know how much I love them).

Y'all are my people.  And I'm so proud of that and grateful for that.  

Thank you for letting this "old" gal be your friend.  I love you!

xoxo, angie

"Joy" --Rend Collective

We're choosing celebration

Breaking into freedom

You're the song

You're the song

Of our hearts

We cast aside our shadows

Trust You with our sorrows

You're the song

You're the song

Of our hearts

We're dancing to the rhythm of Your heart

We're rising from the ashes to the stars

You're the joy joy joy lighting my soul

The joy joy joy making me whole

Though I'm broken, I am running

Into Your arms of love

The pain will not define us

Joy will reignite us

You're the song

You're the song

Of our hearts

The dark is just a canvas

For Your grace and brightness

You're the song

You're the song

Of our hearts

We're dancing to the rhythm of Your heart

We're rising from the ashes to the stars

You're the joy joy joy lighting my soul
The joy joy joy making me whole

Though I'm broken, I am running

Into Your arms of love

You're the joy

The song in my heart

The hope of my soul

In the shadows

In the sorrows

In the desert

When the pain hits

You are constant

Ever-present

You're the song of my heart

You're the joy joy joy lighting my soul

The joy joy joy making me whole

Though I'm broken, I am running

Into Your arms of love

Into Your arms

Life Limbo

I have never been a fan of the game of limbo.  For starters, I have never been great with flexibility.  The V-sit stretch in PE was my nemesis (okay, I'll be honest.  PE was my nemesis).  The only backbend I could ever do was the cheater when you started out on the ground and lifted your torso.  I'm just not a flexible person.
Second, it consistently gets harder.  Ya know, it starts out all simple and  kinda fun, heading into something that you're pretty sure you can do fairly easily...and then with each level the bar gets lowered, the intensity grows exponentially.  You know for each person how sudden that one round goes--at one point, it's a little tight but still very doable; and then the very next round, you're out.
Third, when you're out, you either have to duck and dodge, or you have to fall...and both of those options are a low to no on the fun scale.


Anyone sensing that this is going to turn metaphorical in 3...2...1...?

Our life has been a game of limbo the past 12-18 months, and I am so incredibly over it.  It is even less fun when it's your life that is in the constant guessing phase, especially when that inflexibility tends to rear its head in my heart as well as my limbs.

Basically, we've been told for years now that we'll be moving soon.  The job and the location and the time frame have changed so many times, I've lost count.  We are kept very much in the dark about their plans for him and everything can change at whoever's whim that belongs to (I don't even know who it is that makes these decisions..."the man").

I very much feel like a pawn in someone else's game, not allowed to know what the next move is but forced to take it whenever "they" (again, whoever that is) see fit.

We're at the point in this limbo game, that I really do feel like it's the last round.  Bending and bending and bending so much that it hurts.  And although I'm ready to duck and dodge, I have a feeling it's going to be more like a fall.  Or who knows...maybe that flexibility will kick in when I need it most.

This year and a half of turnarounds has made me a stronger person in a lot of ways.  I've been forced to become more independent; to find strength I didn't know I had; and strangely, I've become a better housewife.  But on the other hand, it has completely drained me.  Hunter and I don't even get to talk much anymore; I do most of the parenting experiences alone...I do a lot of stuff alone actually (always in the company of my 3 yr and 7 mo old however); I'm constantly spent.  <---  and all of those things only amplify how much I hate life limbo.

I'm really trying to lean into this as a lesson my God is teaching me about letting go of control.  About learning to listen for his guidance instead of making my own plans.  About embracing opportunity and not getting in the way of something great.  I've been reading 7 and Interrupted and Barefoot Church and they are wrecking me...in all the best ways possible {thank you, Hatmakers,
for messing up my mind!  no seriously, thanks}.  And I'm trying to look at my life through those lenses of actually leaning into God and trusting where we are taken.  But at the same time, I feel so unsettled right now...just not right, like something is just off and I can't identify exactly what it is.

This post really wasn't meant to inspire pity, but instead to let myself vent and process a bit.  As my best friend put so well tonight, "I have a schizophrenic heart"...and that, dear people, will wear you plum out.

So we have no idea where we're going, when we're going, or what we're doing...but that's pretty much life in a nutshell anyway, huh?  This causes a lot of emotions to flood through me--anger, fear, exhaustion, uncertainty, anxiety...most prevalent tonight is some anger because I'm so over the changes.  Wrapping my head around major change is not something that's easy for me.  Little stuff, no sweat, I can roll with the punches and normally pretty laid back.  The big stuff, I need a lot of warning, a lot of process time, and usually a lot of tears.  So when I mentally prepare myself for something only for it to be shot down and changed, that just sucks and takes a big toll on me.  And it's happened a lot lately...

Hopefully this is just a season.  The lessons learned best are the ones that come through struggle.  So whatever we are being taught here should surely stick.  I still have a husband who cares so deeply for me and two absolutely beautiful children.  So come what may... (I really don't feel that way, but I'm trying, dad gum it!)

love, angie

Class of 2015, here's to you

Tonight, my last little group of students gets to graduate.  They've written all the papers and completed all the projects and solved all the word problems and taken all the tests and studied all the study guides and read all the books and learned all the things.  At least they've done all of that that they've needed to complete grade school.  They did it!

This class of 2015 is such a special one.  As a whole, they're kind of a different breed.  Getting my room ready for school to start the year I had them, all I kept hearing were horror story after horror story and warning after warning.  This class didn't really have a middle ground--they had a lot of students who were zealous about school and tried really hard; and they had a lot of students who couldn't have cared less about anything having to do with school.  While making seating charts for day 1, I showed my rosters to some teachers who knew the kids already, hoping to get some help on knowing which ones to keep separated as best I could...she just laughed and hugged me when she saw who all was in my classes together.  Oh boy.

However, those conversations and stories at the beginning of the year about kids I hadn't even met yet gave my heart a stir.  And I resolved right then and there that I was not going to form preconceived notions about these kiddos.  So I told them from the moment they walked in my room, they became my kids...and that with me, they were starting with a clean slate.  And I completely meant it.

We had our fair share of struggles that year--because let's face it, they had earned those horror stories being told about them...  Remember those rosters that made my coworker laugh?  By the middle of the year, I had told my counselor to move some kids out and into different classes or I was out; and I had also  let my principal know that this would be my last year to teach and I was looking for other job opportunities because I just couldn't do this classroom thing anymore.  After a long conversation {full of tears...}, some students moved around, taking some responsibility off my plate (4 preps, DC trip planner, team leader, and more...), and a good long Christmas break, I came back a little less dramatic and a little more renewed to finish out the year.  

Hunter and I had always planned for me to stay home with our kids when we had them.  Starting that school year, we had begun talking about starting a family, but who knew when it would happen.  Well, in February, we found out it had.  Thanks to one of my lovely students who poked my tummy and said, "Mrs. Newby, you gain some weight?  Maybe just 2 pounds? :)"  {I was too shocked and tickled to be upset with her and just swatted her little hand away and laughed}, I went home to take a test.  We were having a baby.  And I immediately knew that this would be my last group of students...

I waited a long time to tell any of them because it just kind of made me sad to think about leaving...  Several came and asked on their own time if I was ok and what was going on, because apparently I was moody and not as happy as usual and tired all the time...haha, yep pretty much :)  Sweet things just wanted their normal, happy teacher back.  

One day when I was about at my wits' end, a very sweet coworker of mine and her daughter (who I had also taught in Reading the first half of the year), made this precious basket for me because they knew I was about to just melt.  It was beautiful and perfect and made every bit of my day better.  And when I brought it in and set it on my desk, one of my precious little Advanced students asked, "but why did they give you stuffed animals?  You don't need those."  I just grinned and the whole class erupted in, "omg are you pregnant?!"  And then it spread like wildfire :)

all of the items in the basket corresponded with a part of Psalm 23
such a special gift

Anywho, that's a lot of story that probably doesn't interest you--but it's a lot of what I think of when I think back on the class of 2015. 

I have a lot of other things I think of too.  I also will always remember taking one of my students, who was letting bad decisions and bad attitudes get in the way, to see one of the students from Erin Gruwell's first classes (Freedom Writers...watch it, you won't regret it.  It's what kept me going on days I wanted to throw in the towel).  I will always remember planning and organizing and preparing for the DC trip, and more importantly touring our nation's history with an incredible group of kids.  I will always remember the feelings of absolute frustration and defeat...that were always followed up by "lightbulb moments" and feelings of "oh, this is why it's worth it..."  I will always remember laughing; oh, they could make me laugh!  I will always remember my little strays and the random drop in visits I would get throughout the day.  I will always remember taking my GT kids to the Holocaust museum.  I will always remember how excited they got about getting stickers for being on time--and how much that cut down on tardies (sometimes it really is the little things...)  I will always remember how it felt to pack up my room and tell all my kiddos bye.  

...off to my last day of school...

And I will always remember the lessons I learned from them--patience (oh the lessons in patience!), the importance of second chances, what's really important, how to laugh at mistakes and mishaps, that hard work pays off, to love people when it's hard because that's when they need it most... 

Sadly, I will not be able to see my kiddos graduate this year.  Due to the insane amounts of rain we have gotten this year, they had to move graduation inside, which majorly limited seating.  Please know, my lovelies, that I have been looking forward to this night for you for years.  It makes me so incredibly sad that I won't be there to share this incredible moment with you; but know without a single shred of doubt that you could not make me more proud!

SO my precious children...one more time, let's take it back to my day and dear old Mr. Feeney for one last lesson, shall we?

This scene has always touched my heart (and made my eyes leak...)--because to me, it captures the most important lesson in life.  I am beyond proud of you and so honored to have been a part of your educational journey.  I pray that you learned something in my classroom.  I would be thrilled for those lessons to be of the English language and writing and grammar; but what would make my heart sing more would be for you to look back and know that you learned the value of yourself; that I believed in you with every ounce of my being; that you are capable.

So my dear students, my only hope for you is to not only do well in whatever endeavors you face, but more importantly...do good.  Do good.  And know that you have the ability to change the world.

You make my soul smile.  And you will always be my kids.

Go do great things and make me proud!

All my love and best,

Mrs. Newby

"Your task: to build a better world," He said,

I asked Him, "How?

This world is such a large, vast place, 

So complicated now;

And I so small and useless am,

There's nothing I can do."

But He in all His wisdom said,

"Just build a better you."

Be good.  Do good.

Live and love well!

it's always better when we're together

I may have just gotten more than a little emotional sitting on the couch watching a video our friends made for Hunter's 21st birthday.  That was 9 years ago. Holy moly.

They came down to see us that summer for his birthday and brought this little video montage with them. That year had been pretty much a disaster for us--our relationship was in tact, but our world was crumbling. And let me tell you something...God's almighty hand put these people in our lives to walk that journey with us. 

We hadn't even known each other a year by this point. But even then, we knew without question that the connection was firm, sincere, and unshakeable. We've walked with each other through weddings, divorces, babies, moves, weight gain, mission trips, deaths, hard diagnoses, bad decisions, school, vacations, and everything in between. These people undoubtedly helped (and keep helping) shape us into the people and couple we are. They love us when we're wrong. They love us when we're annoying. They love us even though we're far away. They love us because we are us. And that's just as grand as it gets, folks. 

Watching those pictures scroll through, this time knowing how life has turned out so far for all of us, was such a different feeling. We were so young and so stupidly unaware. And oh how there are so many days I wish we could all just go back and relive it. 

Let's just be honest. Sometimes this life sucks. It just flat out beats you up. People mess with your heart. Disaster and disrase have no prejudices. The demands of the daily will wear you ragged. Not to mention kids and work and adult-ing. As that ever so "lovely" episode of Grey's Anatomy put it this week: the carousel never stops turning. 

But you know what makes the ride possible?  Your people. The ones who will jump out and get crazy dizzy with you so you're not alone. The ones who climb in the trenches with you, tell it like it is, and force you to climb back out. The ones who laugh with and/or at you because it's just necessary. The ones who put you in your place, whether that's being taken down a notch or two or ten, or offering praise. The ones who know your dark moments. The ones who are there (even if it can't be physically) and you don't even have to wonder if they will be. Your people not only make life sucking more bearable, they make it pretty fantastic. 

And as I sat on my couch tonight, softly weeping (aka cheeks flooded with tears and ugly crying...), my heart and spirit overflowed with gratitude for these people. These hilarious weirdos that I get to do life with. 

I love my people. 

Xoxo, angie

Ps. I know that all of you are going to make fun of this random emotional outburst. Get over it. You know I'm the bleeding heart and you love me in spite of it (or maybe even because of it!).  Just humor me and embrace all the feels, k?  K.