Pretty much every day of this pregnancy, I've felt like a pretty crummy mom. I don't have the energy or the want to do the fun and usually simple things that bring such joy to my daughter's tiny heart. I just don't feel good almost all of the time. And this anemia/can't catch my breath business is wearing on me hard. My patience levels are at an all time low, and my sweet girl tends to get the brunt of that. Bed time isn't usually enjoyable for me anymore; every little disagreement or button push sends me to an upset place quickly. And I seem to have sensory sensitivity overload as well. Even being hugged too long (as if there were such a thing) or climbed all over or grabbed or pulled on...grates my nerves. Almost literally.
I hate it.
The worst part is that I know I'll never get this time back. These days are so precious and the ones of her being an only child are dwindling. Quickly. Because of this, I feel guilty almost all of the time.
I hate it.
I'm just a sad mama needing to vent tonight. Praying my hormones and levels line out soon. And that I somehow find the umph to fight through and be everything my little girl needs me to be right now.
In this house--yes! Anyone who knows me even a little knows that this is my favorite time of year...Fall and Winter: all the holidays, colors, decorations, weather changes, snuggly clothes, good smells and great food, school starting, football returning...what is not to love?!
I've been fooling myself this past week. When the calendar switched over to August, that gave me full permission to burst into Fall mode. I started that with one of my absolute favorites--burning a Leaves candle from Bath and Body Works. That smell alone is enough to send my heart a flutter! So a few days ago, I woke up and lit one of those babies...and immediately felt the warmth of Fall time take over my house. My house was still holding the chill of the night (we like to sleep with it cold), the sun shining through my windows was so pretty, and that smell made everything feel happy. I had convinced myself it was actually Fall! And then I stepped outside... Big mistake. Hello 95* and 200% humidity. Bleh.
BUT. I will continue burning my yummy candles and next week I plan to pumpkin-ify this house like nobody's business :) I may even have to make some of these little morsels (I used a spice cake mix) to help me stay in my happy little fall world, away from the hot, sticky yuck that is still the reality of Southeast Texas...
I'm going to use this today as my vent board. Don't feel pressured to read--I know it's no fun...
Yesterday was the first time this entire pregnancy that instead of feeling like time was flying by, I felt like I still had forever to go. I'm down to less than 10 weeks (sched. c-section 1 week early), and while that seems so incredibly close (and in reality, it is!), these symptoms are kicking into high gear and making it feel like I'll never feel good again.
Let me say this--I adore being pregnant. I am beyond grateful for every kick and prod and wiggle my little man gives me to remind me we're in this together. I am humbled to know that we were gifted another precious miracle when so many are denied that opportunity. I am thrilled to be allowed and able to carry my children. I am blessed by this journey.
With Arabella, I really had such a smooth pregnancy until the very end--no mood swings, light but controllable indigestion, no major discomfort. (all of that changed in that last month, but it was still doable).
This little boy had other plans for his mama. My indigestion/heartburn started around week 8 and has gotten severely worse each week. Last night, I was up for most of the night battling reflux, readjusting my head height, and popping Tums. I've been taking Pepcid the past month to try to help (per Dr.'s orders) and they haven't done much. It's just out and out miserable. And it's not only at night. And it doesn't only hinge on what I eat or drink (even a glass of water will sit at the base of my throat). When I think of 10 more weeks and this situation has only worsened the whole time, I get a little teary in my eyes... I'm really hoping and praying that at my appt next week, I'll be far enough along to take something stronger and that it will work!
The lovely RLS also started to make its debut this week. Hunter even joked how much the baby must be moving last night because he was shaking the whole bed... I can't help it! No position is comfortable and if I'm stretched out, my legs want to move. Constantly.
Breathing has become incredibly difficult. And oddly enough, standing still is when it's the hardest to catch it. I've had to resort to squatting down while standing in line at a store. Or pulling up a case of paper while a friend browsed the aisles. I just can't stand for hardly any period of time. Of course, I lose it when I'm active too, but strangely, standing takes it right out of me the quickest.
This little boy is strong. And feisty. Arabella moved a lot too so that's nothing new for me. But she was just a wiggler--she'd roll and stretch and move pretty fluidly. This boy. He has been jabbing me since the first time I felt him move! Like out and out punching and kicking (oh the joys we'll have when he gets here if this reflects his personality!). He literally does flips--I can feel it and see it as he twirls around and around in the same spot. And he'll aggressively kick my innards and my ribs. I don't know about you, but to me, that doesn't feel so great!
And woo to the hoo, I get to go in tomorrow morning for my glucose test. I am praying so fully that everything comes back great from this. Just having that test done once is terrible enough for me.
So here we go little fella--10ish weeks is all we have left together this way. And then I get to snuggle you in close and kiss all over your little face. And my favorite part--I get to watch your daddy and sister do the same. We are all so very excited to meet you and add your dynamic to our already crazy little family. But can you take it easy on me until then?
Probably the best thing I did as far as baby prep with Arabella was cooking and freezing several meals. Those few months when you're heavy in the newborn stage (aka the "fourth trimester"or quarter I guess...or constant insanity/zombie-esque...or to some, close to Hades...I digress), cooking a full on meal is one of the last thing a mama wants to worry about. Thankfully, we have an incredible support system of church family and close friends that provided us with meals the first few weeks. But once those waned away, those frozen meals were a life saver.
My little mama is about to have back surgery at the end of the month, so our cooking day had to move up some-- #1, she needs meals of her own frozen this go round! and #2 who knows how long recovery will take and if she'll be able to help me much with that closer to baby time. So this weekend, we're gathering up all our pots and pans and crockpots and putting her stoves to work.
I plan to make double batches of most of the recipes I'm making which will give me about 4-6 portions of each (a quart size bag is perfect for Hunter, myself, and Bella to all eat from). For the ones that require noodles and rice and what not, we just make the sauce and freeze. I can easily boil some noodles or rice while the sauce is heating on the stove. Throw it all in the pan and dinner in done-zo. Just stinkin' fabulous.
I'll be making:
--Crawfish Soup
--White Chili
--Broccoli Casserole
--Pork Chops and Gravy
--Roast and Gravy
--Crawfish Fetuccini
--Johnny Marzetti (tomato based casserole)
--Red Beans and Rice
And later I'll whip up some gumbo and spaghetti (and possibly a few others I run across...)
With Bella, I was able to have over 40 meals frozen and ready to go after one cooking spree with mom. That would be amazing to have this time as well--and I plan on having just that (and maybe more!)
I may not be able to move well next week after all that kitchen time... But I know I'd rather feel slow now while baby no name is contained than have to worry with all the cooking after he's out and about with his sister!
Do y'all have any good freezer meal recipes? I'd love to know them if you're willing to share! Hopefully one day soon I can share some of the ones listed above.
And if you know anyone who is having or recently had a baby--food is a great gift and was always well received by us! And if you portion and freeze it, they can pull it out when they need/want it :)
Let's just say this pregnancy has been all kinds of different...
First of all, I canNOT believe I'm already 23+ weeks along. It is absolutely insane how quickly it is going by this time. With Arabella, things didn't start to seem super fast until about week 35 (when reality hit that a kid was about to come out of me...). This go round, I can't even remember how we got this far. And the fact that another kid is about to come out of me...well let's just say that reality is hitting me a lot sooner.
For those who don't know yet, this little rascal is a boy :) We are both so excited (even though I have no idea what I'm going to do with a mini-Hunter...) I can already tell you he is crazy strong and feisty. I felt both he and Arabella for the first time at 16 weeks. She felt like a little bug, flutters here and there gradually getting stronger until Hunter could feel her from the outside at 22-23 weeks. From the beginning, this little boy has had some jabs. His movements have been very defined from the get go, and he has been wiggling so hard in there that Hunter could feel him at 18 weeks. My whole stomach already jumps and rolls with him. Oh man, he's going to be a little ball of fire!
I'm also carrying him a lot lower than Arabella. She literally camped out in my ribs until they scooped her out (which is why they didn't even attempt to induce when my BP got so high). This little guy kicks way down low.
I didn't have to potty all the time with Bella until the last trimester. This guy has had me going since I before I took the test...
My hormones are crazy! When I was pregnant with Arabella, I was actually pretty close to my normal self--no mood swings or cravings or intensified emotions (at least not much anyway). This time? Oh. My. Stars. Every little thing gets on my nerves and under my skin. My energy wanes quickly and my patience goes even quicker. I am a moody mama... :/
Food...oh I love food! I haven't been a full on petunia pig, but I have been much more lax this time than with Bella. Plus, with her, I really didn't want to eat much at all the first trimester, and after that, just ate whatever we had. This go round, I don't necessarily "crave" things out of the blue--but if I see something that strikes my fancy, my mind does not leave it alone until I get it in my mouth! And while I have loved fruit big time (especially watermelon, grapes, and pineapple), I have definitely been much more drawn to flat out junk.
Heartburn has been a preggo pal of mine with both of these munchkins, but this time it got bad a whole lot quicker... I had to take Prilosec to sleep the last 2 weeks with Bella--that may happen a lot sooner with the boy.
I've had Arabella's name picked out for years and we both always loved it. So when we found out she was a girl, she immediately had a name. We cannot for anything seem to agree on a name for this little fella. It is so weird to know he's a boy but still not be able to call him by name...
I know without a doubt that the changes will only multiply exponentially once he gets here. We are so excited to meet our little fella and see the new elements he brings to our little family. But we are also trying to soak up and savor every ounce of time we have alone with Arabella. Nothing will ever be the same!
People. Oh they can drive you downright batty. I mean, let's face it--the human race is a pretty annoying breed. And that makes that whole "greatest command" business pretty tricky... some people are just hard to love. At least all the time...
Have I mentioned yet that this pregnancy has really limited my patience levels? I'm still not preggo-zilla, but I definitely and acutely recognize how easily I get annoyed these days, how "thin my skin is", how silly people are.
I know people feel this way about me too. It would be so grand if the whole human race could just be pleasant to one another and only do and say things that everyone likes and agrees with. But then where would the interest and variety and reality be?
The most incredible thing on this planet is us humans though. Because if you look all the way back to the beginning, up in the front in Genesis (chapter 2 specifically), you see this: 26 Then God said, “Let usmake mankindin our image,in our likeness...27 So God createdmankindin his own image, in the image of Godhe created them; male and female he created them." So here on this chaotic, crazy, messed-up and annoying world, here we stand and live, created in the image of the Almighty Triune God. Wow. That should make people seem less annoying, right? This week, we're at Encounter with our high school youth group kids. The theme of the week is "Revolution"--discussing some hot topic questions and discerning the truth about them (vs what the world has taught us, what our traditions and church habits have taught us, what our comfort zones have taught us, what our government, society, schools...anything but the Word of God...have taught us). Because when you start with the truth and it's rooted in love--you finish in a place of truth and love. My deepest yearning and prayer this week is for my heart to break for people. That I (and these kids) will be pricked to change...to wear the name of Christ boldly through our words and actions. That we can help reunite the name of Christianity with its root and definition--love. So even the people who are hardest to love...especially the people who are hardest to love...Lord give me your eyes to see your image on them, to see the person you created, designed, and deeply love.
And the world will know we are Christians by our love...
I started teaching in January 2009. It was the middle of the school year, and I was thrown to the wolves filling my 8th grade classroom. I was terrified and still have no idea how much I was able to actually teach them about English. But I survived, I loved my kids, and I was coming back next year.
So that August, I started changing my classroom, my plans, my procedures...and preparing for my true first "first day of school." Again, I was terrified. But it was so different getting these kiddos from the very beginning and having them all year long.
These kids--my first full year's group of students--are pretty stinkin' incredible. As a group, they have more athletic ability than I had seen. They are also some of the funniest humans on this planet; there were no dull moments and a whole lot of giggles. Even then, they dreamed big and thought outside of the box. And they definitely kept me on my toes. We made so many memories and had so much fun. I hope I was able to teach them. Because they taught me so much about teaching, patience, counseling, love, hard work, and deciding what's really important.
Teaching remediation these past few months has given me the chance to reconnect with and see so many of them, and that has just been fantastic! I have loved having all those little strays in my classroom again :) Plus, getting to see how much they've changed and grown and matured is just impressive.
And tonight, I get to cheer for them as they walk across a stage and receive their diploma, awarding them for 13 years of dedication and learning. I will probably be weepy, and I will probably be more emotionally cheesy than I should (we'll blame some of that on the preggo hormones...maybe?). But regardless and most definitely, I will be oh so proud!
Sadly, tonight will also hold a heavy place and an empty chair as we celebrate the class of 2014. The loss of Jamarcus is still fresh and his absence has left a very large hole. But I believe with all of my heart that he is dancing with the angels, laughing with Jesus, and living.
SO my precious children...let's take it back to my day and dear old Mr. Feeney for one last lesson, shall we?
This scene has always touched my heart (and made my eyes leak...)--because to me, it captures the most important lesson in life. I am beyond proud of you and so honored to have been a part of your educational journey. I pray that you learned something in my classroom. I would be thrilled for those lessons to be of the English language and writing and grammar; but what would make my heart sing more would be for you to look back and know that you learned the value of yourself; that I believed in you with every ounce of my being; that you are capable.
So my dear students, my only hope for you is to not only do well in whatever endeavors you face, but more importantly...do good. Do good. And know that you have the ability to change the world.
You make my soul smile. And you will always be my kids.
