Saturday, November 21, 2015

one hand and the other.

Writing is my outlet.  Sometimes I don't even know what the words of my heart are until I sit and write them down.  This blog allows me to have that outlet when I need it...and tonight, I need it.

This year has been a bit bi-polar for me.

On one hand, it has been a beautiful adventure through new theology, ideology, and lenses; a new and fresh and bold grasp of Kingdom and Gospel and Church and Jesus; a constant hunger and excitement and need to ask more questions, read more information, and dive deeper.  It truly has been amazing.

On that same hand, I've jumped head first into the world of parenting two children.   Some things haven't changed very much at all and others are so very different...some of the difference are because there's two of them; some of them are because of their genders; some of them are because I also was parenting a threenager through this time.  So much of the adventure with these two tiny humans has been so incredibly amazing and fun.

And yet on that same hand still, I've gotten to travel quite a bit.  Small trips to familiar places mixed in with new cities and a few flights, all filled with some pretty cool memories.

However, that other cruel hand threw in some punches.

I try so very hard to keep my happy up, but this whole year it has been so very hard.  It's so hard to complain when I really have nothing major to complain about.  People receive devastating news, lose people they love, attempt to mend shattered families or accept the changes...really tough stuff every single minute of every single day.  As a speaker once said, "sometimes Satan launches flaming arrows, while others are tiny pebbles..."  I currently have no flaming arrows, and for that I am deeply grateful.  But the pebbles have piled high.

These past two months with Hunter in a new job has been...trying at best.  Without a doubt the hardest couple of years of marriage for us (you know since we've been married soooo long), but learning how to handle each other and how to function these past two months takes the cake.

This is also the loneliest I've ever felt in my entire life (which is irony of ironies since I pretty much am never alone--yay for mothering littles).  It makes me want to hermit up even more than I have the tendency to do already which in turn leads to cabin fever (remember the littles) that makes me want to scream as loud as I can.  I feel used up and useless all at the same time, like I am constantly doing but can never do enough.  I feel disliked, excluded, and unimportant often.  I feel incredibly numb and yet extremely raw, as if the two could coexist.  And I cry.  a lot.

And yet I cannot list to you what has led me to this state.  The pebbles have just piled high.  And the weight has found me.  I just don't have the energy or the umph to fake it or push my way or sometimes even be nice.

You'll notice that most of those in the list are feelings.  I know I am too emotional and a little crazy and all up in the feels.  I desperately wish I had the ability like some people do (i.e. my husband) to just roll things off my shoulders or not be hurt or not feel everything. But with this, I have had no luck.

Sometimes life is just so mean.  And exhausting.  And so very hard.

Thankful this day for pajamas, comfort food, and God's never-ending grace.

" track record for getting through bad days so far is 100%..."